A Not So Secret, Secret | Pregnancy & Infant Loss Blog | Hello Bean

It was 6:50 a.m. on an early summer Saturday in August 2012 — the kind of morning where the world still feels quiet and half-asleep. I had woken up earlier than usual, heart heavy with anticipation, the tiniest flicker of hope pushing me toward one more test. I'd been a few days late. Again. And even though every test before was disappointing, I decided to try my luck with a First Response digital pregnancy test, the kind that spells it out for you.

I remember reading the box like it was a sacred ritual, then popping a squat in the bathroom, letting my body do its thing. The three-minute wait that followed might have been the longest three minutes of my life. I sat there, eyes closed, on the toilet, silently hoping… praying… bargaining with the universe.

And then I looked. PREGNANT, 3+ weeks.

Right there, bold and ZERO questions.

I froze.

I mean, I literally sat there frozen on the toilet for a few seconds, processing what I was seeing. The disbelief was real. I cleaned myself up, climbed back into bed, legs crossed, just staring at this little test that had just changed everything.

My husband was still asleep on his stomach, in the bed beside me. I didn’t know what to do — and honestly, how funny is that?! After all the dreaming and waiting and wishing, my brain was in full shutdown. Total emotional system reboot. 😂

But I shook it off, nudged him gently in the back. As he turned over, groggy-eyed and unaware of what was coming, I handed him the test.

"This is yours," I whispered.

And just like that, he was wide awake, arms wrapped around me in the tightest hug I think I’ve ever received. There was so much joy in that moment — raw, teary-eyed, giddy joy. We didn’t even need words. Just the knowing that this was it.

Of course, I had to call someone. And naturally, I called my younger sister. She answered the phone like she’d been waiting for it.

Her response? “I knew.” 😏Of course she did. If you know her, you know exactly the tone. (She’s the best, by the way.)

This was the beginning of Bean. Our, not so secret, little secret, that wasn’t really a secret for very long.

A spark of life, a rush of love, a story just beginning.